Stuff My Boyfriend Says While Watching Jane Austen Movies

Dear six readers,

My boyfriend likes to kill aliens/bad guys/whoever on his video games. He watches movies through my Netflix account and with such gems as Planet 51 and Ninja's Creed and Halo Legends now popping up in my Watch Instantly feed, he's really messing up Netflix's opinion of me and my taste in movies. Clearly, we agree to disagree on many things, and while I have faith in the power of Ms. Austen and her literary masterpieces to transcend gender, space, and time, I figured this would be one of those things.

When I was lying despondently in bed a few weeks ago, drained from a week of marathon thesis writing and starving (why do I lose the ability to buy normal people food when deadlines are coming up...), boyfriend magically appeared with a jr. bacon cheeseburger and a back rub. (That's right...I asked for a cheeseburger and he brought me one with bacon on it. That's like asking for a man and getting an Astronaut Mike Dexter!)

It's true--both he and jr. bacon cheeseburgers are delicious

As if that wasn't sexy enough, he even agreed to watch Sense and Sensibility with me until I fell asleep. Hoping against hope that he'd give it a fair chance and not just stubbornly decide to hate it and stew quietly until he could sneak out, I told him it was okay if it wasn't his thing and if he wanted, we could watch it in installments.

Well, six gentle readers, ten minutes into the movie, and he was captivated. Enraptured. Falling in love with Emma Thompson before my very tired eyes. I didn't allow myself to fall asleep because I was having such fun watching him watch the movie. Within the first five minutes, he soundly pronounced Fanny Dashwood a bitch, and referred to her as such every time she came on screen. (PS the video I linked to there is just about the most ridiculous thing in the world...) He finally came to understand why Emma Thompson is on my "If I Swung That Way" list, and he rejoiced when Edward announced he was not married to "that other bitch", Lucy Steele.

Not boyfriend...though he was almost this moved

Since Sense and Sensibility was such a hit, I thought it might be time to try Pride and Prejudice...you know, the five hour work of genius with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle. As we started it, he warned me he probably wouldn't like it as much as he did S and S...and then he met Mr. Bennet and it was over. He was hooked again.

Boyfriend+Mr. Bennet=Guy Luv

He yelled at the characters. He predicted the ending. He shushed me when I talked and he couldn't hear the dialogue. He invited me over at all hours to watch it some more (we finished it in about three installments). He pined after Jennifer Ehle and decided to watch more Colin Firth movies.

About halfway through, I realized I needed to write down some of the things he was saying. I had texted some of his responses to my sisters, and they were just too good to not record. I hereby present to you a partial list of Stuff My Boyfriend Says While Watching Jane Austen Movies:

To Caroline Bingley: Shut your face, she's so much prettier than your ass!

About Mr. Wickham: Yeah, he's totally lying. Dude, you just told the whole story and then said you'd never tell it! Idiot.

About Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy: I want Colin Firth to end up with her. I think he likes her even though he doesn't want to admit it, and she kind of likes him, too. She calls him on his bull-shit and he likes it. I like that.

About Mary, playing at the ball: She's precious...

To Mrs. Bennet, loudly at ball: (facepalm) She needs to SHUT UP.

About Mr. Collins' proposal: "I'm the best you'll ever do." Is that what you got from that? Self-righteous little bastard.

Rewinding many times to look at Collins' awkward face at end of scene: WHAT WAS THAT?! It kinda reminded of Lord Voldemort! No no, Barty Crouch with his tongue!

Mr. Bennet, siding with Lizzie after Collins' proposal: I love him!! (fist pump)

Mr. Collins: Way to go Mr. Collins, you're a pimp. (eyeroll) Not really.

About Jennifer Ehle: When was this movie made? (me: '94 or '95? Why?) She's goooorgeous. The more I watch, the more I fall in love with her (said quite shyly).

Frustrated about Mr. Wickham: Now she's in love with him. Ugh. It's okay, she'll end up with Darcy...Wait...If she doesn't end up with Mr. Darcy, I'm going to shit all over your car!!!!! (ten points to whichever family member gets that reference)

About his hero Mr. Bennet: Oh I love him! I just...I can't even put it into words!!

I don't remember the exact context: Nice house, crappy door

About Elizabeth: I like how she just walks around everywhere...she's got strong legs.

To Elizabeth: Go to London! You'll see Mr. Darcy! (hip thrust)

About Mr. Wickham: I can't stop staring at his penis flap....DON'T WRITE THAT!

Later: Just cause I can't stop staring at another's man crotch, you don't have to tell the whole world about it. (after I just laughed but didn't start typing) OH and THAT doesn't get written down....I thought that was the funnier one...I'm done with you!

About, who else, Mr. Bennet: I honestly wish I could be like him.

Mr. Collins' tour of his house: Whoa whoa wait, the most prominent feature of your house is the angle of your staircase??!! "Oh isn't this the most elegant staircase you've ever seen? Oh, I agree with the depth very kindly." Seriously, what's wrong with him?? I want to know. If they don't explain by the end of the movie, we all know what's going to happen to somebody's car...homeboy is killing me. (PS I love that line so much..."I agree with the depth very kindly..." What does that mean, boyfriend??)

About Lady Catherine's entrance: It's Lady Rosenbottom! Who cares...

Collins reassuring Lizzie about her dress on their visit to Rosings: ...that's like giving you a backhanded compliment while backhanding you twice in the face!! Idiot...

Lady Catherine: self-righteous bitch...

To Mr. Darcy, visiting awkwardly then leaving abruptly: Why can't you just talk to her, you know you want to! I feel like I'm giving Nick Long advice through the TV. (Sorry, Nick)

About Mr. Darcy: His penis flap isn't as noticeable as the other guy's! Eh, or maybe it just looks better.

Again, Mr. Darcy's awkward visit: No! No, dumbass, keep going!! It was an awkward start, but at least you started!

Pontificating: If I had lived back then, I would have been a pimp. I would have gotten all the ladies, but I wouldn't have gotten married. Cause they would have found out that I'm a dumbass. Am I giving you some good material there?

Mr. Collins: I don't know why he doesn't just marry Lady Catherine...he's already trying to get into her pants as it is.

To Mr. Darcy, who has come to propose but can't get any words out: Come on....you can get over your stutter...

Darcy starts strong and confesses his love...then blows it: You are a pimp! (fistpump)...Ah you dick, why would you say that!?

After Darcy leaves: That was only slightly better than Mr. Collins's proposal...

To Elizabeth's scalding refusal: Well done.

We can learn many things from this.

#1: Jane Austen has all the knowledge when it comes to characters. Boyfriend had about half the characters of P and P labeled as different friends/acquaintances. Who hasn't met at a Mary or a Mr. Collins or a Lydia before?

#2: My boyfriend cusses while playing video games and apparently watching Jane Austen movies. See, the two aren't so incompatible after all!

#3: Colin Firth is a god, and everyone knows it.

True fact: Google "Colin Firth is a god" and this is the first image. Told you.

Crafty Crafty ME! (Or: Lauren blogging about things you don't want to read about)

Guys, guess what. This is my second post THIS WEEK. I am boss of internetting. Plus, I'm going to talk about CRAFTS!!!! I am unstoppable in my Mormon girl blogging skills.

Here's the story:

A few months ago I bought an item. Since my brother makes up one-fifth of my regular readership, I'll refrain from going into details about this item (though I was going to write a post about my friends "Pammie" "Tammie" and "Cammie" and my introduction to them at different ages...) but I will say that it's awesome. Not for the faint of heart, but awesome (and you're welcome, Julie, for changing my phrasing there). There's just one thing I HATE about this item--it came with the most embarrassing little bag to carry it around in.

Really? I didn't even ever carry a purse regularly until I was 23, and they want me to haul this little sparkly purple monstrosity around with me wherever I go? Yes, my then nine year old cousin might have called me a diva, but...really? Need my personal hygiene item proclaim that to the world? My soul is dying. There needed to be a better way.

So, in the middle of a recent Buffy/Angel binge, I sat down with some newfangled supplies I had just bought at WalMart at midnight and tried to remember anything from my eighth grade sewing class that didn't have to do with that one time that little hussy Linda grabbed me by my bangs and slapped me. (Lesson learned--bangs are bad.) Something must have stuck, because I think it turned out amazing.

So much better. Plus, Cammie's happy to have a new home away from home.

Too much?

In Which I Prove I Am Not A Procrastinator

Y'all, I'm not very good at this whole time thing. Surprise. Oh this paper was due yesterday/last year? My bad. Church doesn't start at 1:15? Weird! Being late to work every single day isn't a good idea? Why didn't someone say something!

BUT. I'm about to prove all you naysayers wrong, for yesterday while waiting for World of Color at DCA to start I planned for three deadlines--seven weeks from now, five months from now, and a year from now. That's right, I've started planning for something that is over a year from now! I officially win the internet! Right? It gets even better--these plans are AWEsome.

1-August 24: release of Mockingjay. We have yet to find a bookstore near us that's doing a midnight release party (let's start a petition! a revolt! a sit in!) so we're going to dress up, get there first thing when they open, and then have Hannah's read-a-thon themed birthday party. I was going to find a tunic of some kind and wear that with my brown leggings and awesome brown boots, but then I found this post and really like the pants/shirt/jacket look. But I'm keeping my boots. I lurve them.2-November 19: Harry Potter Seven part 1!! There aren't very many things better than dressing up for Harry Potter events. (Point of fact, I just realized this is my second Harry Potter post in a row...and I don't even care. I post so seldom, be grateful for what you get!) Last year's excursion to see Half-Blood Prince was probably the third greatest night of last summer (don't get me started on nights one and two...STEAMROLLER!) Here's photographic evidence:

Amazing, right? How could we possibly top this? We have Bellatrix, Voldemort, Pansy Parkinson, a random Gryffindor, Tonks, Rita Skeeter, Moaning Myrtle, Luna, and Prof. Trelawney! Fear not, dear readers, you won't be let down. Right now the plan is to dress up as members of Bill/Fleur's wedding party and various guests. Dress robes! Wedding dresses! Secret signs! Maybe even a lynx! I've already called that I get to be Fleur (no battle) so the hunt is on for a tall hot man who won't mind us drawing scars on his face.

3-July 15 2010: Harry Potter Seven part 2! The theme of this release party is going to be Epic Final Battles. Hannah and I are definitely doing Mrs. Weasley vs. Bellatrix, but we can't decide who should be who. Vote in the comments! Also, we have a killer idea for Neville vs. Nagini. Let's just say we're going to be visiting a lot of carnival games to try to win a wrap-around plush snake...

Seriously, guys, I've impressed myself here. We made all these plans LAST NIGHT and I blogged about them TODAY. It's like I'm growing up before your very eyes.

I think this means I'm doing something right. Or wrong. I get the two confused.

So I was texting the lovely Liz earlier today when I gleefully realized that within the month that I've had this phone, I'd already texted the word Voldemort at least once so it's saved in my predictive text.

True story, last night I had my second Harry Potter dream in six months. As in, I have now twice dreamed that I was Harry Potter. Last night the aforementioned Liz was my loyal sidekick. When I realized that I was indeed Harry Potter, I immediately started looking for the golden snitch that would have the resurrection stone in it. Liz handed it to me, saying something like, "Oh yeah, this is the part of the story when we find this, huh?" I tried to put it away in my pocket so I could save it for the end...or the "close" (I'm killing myself with my nerdiness right now) but it was made of this really cheap plastic and the clasp kept opening. This was very frustrating because I wasn't ready to fight Voldemort yet and it was ruining the storyline. I think I might have tried to eat it. Huh. But then apparently it was time to fight, because I went in to some cheap restaurant building, and there you-know-who was. Except, well, he looked like a cross between Kenneth Branagh and my friend Andrew.

My paint skills are incredible, I know.

So everything was pretty fuzzy after that, mostly because I think I was really confused at having to kill a Voldemort who looked like that. Who could resist that face?

And in case you were wondering just how nerdy I get, here's a little gem I made after my first "Hi I'm Harry Potter" dream:

I'm especially proud of my scar. And my glasses.

Wow. Thanks for being my friends, guys. Sometimes it can get lonely on the special bus.

Two "Real" Men and a Sex Doll

I don't go a week without my Modern Family fix. I honestly have spent time pondering how I could somehow squeeze my way into Mitchell and Cam's relationship. I adore them. I even love Jay, who I always refer to as "the Al Bundy guy." But I have mixed feelings about Phil. He's an idiot. A lovable, well-intentioned idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. His wife Claire has to constantly fix the messes he gets himself and their kids in. He does have his redeeming qualities, but unfortunately his idiocy plays in to a widely-held media notion that men (specifically husbands) are clueless oafs who mean well, but really can't do anything right when it comes to their home and family. Case in point: In the pilot, Phil gets his son an air soft gun on the condition that if he shoots anyone with it (even accidentally), he'll shoot him as punishment. This made for some great comedy, but really? Later, Phil jumps the gun and punishes the kids by cancelling Christmas on Christmas Eve morning. Phil's blunders are always made up for by his wife's intervention or his own good-nature, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a husband and father who is stumbling around in the dark, a figure of pity, and a creator of cringe-worthy moments.

I would write this off as just one funny, idiotic, lovable character, but how many times have we seen this character repeated in films and television? Raymond? Tim Taylor? Even advertisers are playing on this theme. Sarah Haskins, brilliant lampooner of female-centered marketing, created this amazing montage celebrating the doofy husbands we love to pat on the head and say, "Oh isn't that cute...he sure tried!"

This leads me to the title of the post (isn't it great?) and one of my favorite movies. Lars and the Real Girl is about a lonely man in his twenties who falls in love with a life-size anatomically correct doll he bought online. And I love it. Lars has a mental illness and the respect and love his family and friends give him while he works through his issues is nothing but exemplary. Every time I watch I'm struck by a different character and her or his importance in helping Lars heal. Recently that character has been Gus, Lars' older brother. Gus and his wife live in the old family house while Lars (of his own choosing) lives in the garage. Even though it's been a few months since I saw it last, I still can't get over the brilliance of this particular scene. (sorry it's such a huge clip, the actual scene starts at 3:13 and ends at 6:24)

Lars comes to Gus and asks him how he knows if he's become a man yet. Gus usually doesn't have much to say, and has the hardest time of everyone accepting Lars' delusion. You can tell he's uncomfortable with the conversation, and he starts off shaky, but eventually he opens up. In his own straightforward terms, he talks to Lars like an equal. In the end he admits some of his own possible guilt in contributing to Lars' problems and apologizes, taking his own advice and acting "like a man." For the conversation alone the scene is great, but add to that the context. What is Gus doing as he explains to his little brother what it means to be a man--he's chopping vegetables for dinner. Then the buzzer sounds so they move down to the basement where he starts folding towels fresh from the dryer. "Macho", "manly", hesitant-to-talk-about-feelings Gus, amazingly, is capable of helping around the house and willingly does so. He also says the right words to help Lars start overcoming his demons and risk real relationships. Gus takes all of the good intentions embodied by characters like Phil and puts them into action.

I dislike the idea of there being "real men"--as in "real men don't eat quiche", the first suggestion google gave me--and "other kinds of men". But if I bought into that idea, I'd say something like, "Real men fold towels and empathize with people who are struggling."

I should put that on a t-shirt.

Adventures in Celibacy

I seldom watch videos that people post on their blogs, especially if they're over a minute long. That's mostly because I'm a snob and rarely trust other people's tastes. You pretty much need to guarantee that the video will either 1-make me snort-laugh; 2- make me feel much smarter than everyone else around me; 3- wow me into silence; or 4- cause me to swoon, drool, and basically lose my shit.

This video is the epitome of option 4. I have yet to see a better screen kiss. Were I feeling super nerdy (don't worry, I got most of my nerd out already by playing online Settlers of Catan), I'd elaborate ad nauseam as to why this is the best. kiss. ever and how my expectations are now so unrealistically high I'll never be satisfied and spend the rest of my life bitter and unfulfilled.

Oh crap. This is Mormon girl p*rn.

And I just can't stop.

Shirts and Skins

Best compliment I've ever received:

"You are beautiful and nice also non naked."

Basically, Spain finds me attractive and kind whether I have clothes on or not.