Stories I Like To Tell

*Names have not been changed in order to incriminate the guilty.

I anticipated experiencing many different things my first year of college. Waking up on a Saturday morning alone on my English professor's basement floor was not one of them.

Despite that rather scandalous introduction, this story suffers from a severe lack of hanky-panky and a serious overabundance of Disney movies. Let's start at the beginning.

I went to a very small private college in rural Virginia. My first year there I was one of only 4oo students, and we were a tight-knit community. My roommates were friends with one of the English professor's sons, who was also a student. Let's call him Jared. I knew him somewhat through our interactions in choir and because of our mutual friends. At the end of the school year, Jared invited everyone (literally, everyone) to a party at his parents' house to watch Disney movies all night long. (Yes, we're all very Mormon.) After assisting us in dropping brownies off (in a very co-ed Mormon way) at the doorstep of a house full of cute boys, my friend (let's call him Luke) had given me and a few other friends a ride to the party where we met the rest of the group, including my roommate (let's call her Bethany).

The house was full of reveling Mormon college students looking for some post-semester stress relief. The Sprite and hormones flowed freely. My friends and I grabbed handfuls of chips and fun-size candy bars and headed down into the basement, hoping to nab some prime real-estate next to one of SVU's few eligible bachelors. I don't think I was successful in cuddling with the aforementioned Luke (who I definitely had my eye on), since he was at the time making overtures at another girl (who shall remain nameless because she didn't leave me alone on the basement floor). Despite the sad lack of passionate freshman cuddling, I did my best to enjoy the night, sandwiched among my good friends on bean bag chairs and pillows watching Disney movies to our hearts' content. Somewhere around 3 or 4 in the morning, just as The Fox and the Hound was coming to its heartbreaking conclusion, I began to fall asleep, sure in the knowledge that surely either my dear roommate or the gentlemanly boy who gave me a ride would wake me when it was time to leave. Surrounded by a basement-full of friends and acquaintances, many of whom were also dozing, I drifted into a world-famous deep Lauren sleep.

The next thing I heard was a strange hissing noise. Peeling my eyes open, I realized that the room was markedly lighter than it had been when I'd fallen asleep. I also noticed that my limbs had their full-range of motion--I was no longer shmooshed between thousands of sleeping college students. I heard the noise again and lifted my head to the stairs. Jared stood, perched over the railing, halfway down the staircase. "Hey, girl. Girl! Wake up," I now realized he had been saying/hissing. I was very much alone. On the basement floor. "Where'deverybodygowhattimeisit?" I sat up and squawked groggily. "Almost nine, and I don't know," he said, stifling a laugh. Apparently, sometime during the night he stumbled up to his room to sleep, which happened around the same time my friends LEFT me ALONE on the basement floor. When the respected English professor awoke and strolled down to his basement, he received quite the shock upon seeing my awkwardly sleeping form, ALONE on his basement floor. He woke his son, saying, "Jared, there's a girl in the basement."

Jared offered to give me a ride back to campus as I was still quite visibly confused as to what the hell just happened to me. I grabbed my jacket and tried to rub the nasty gunk out from the corners of my eyes and followed him up the stairs. The respected English professor's family sat cozily at the kitchen table, enjoying their Saturday morning breakfast, and respected English professor's wife graciously invited me to join them. Still trying to regain my normal person voice, I squawked out what I hope was a polite "nothankyou," scrambled out the door and into the car, and thus endured one of the most awkward five minute car rides of my life.

Properly deposited in front of my dorm, I climbed the stairs to the third floor (C-3 what what), promptly woke the offending abandoners, and demanded an explanation. I don't remember their excuses, which surely means they were pathetic and not worth remembering, but each of them found it OHSOFUNNY that I spent the night alone on the respected English professor's basement floor.

Who's laughing now, offending abandoners??!

STATUS UPDATE!

why? because reading it once on facebook just isn't enough.
the so-far status updates of 2009:

january
3: hold me close, young tony danza
13: loves emails that include the word buttloads
17: is finally back in the state of the bluths, tanners, and cohens
19: got a little pink in the sun on the beach today!!!!
20: can't wait to chill with m-i-c-k-e-y tomorrow
22: got dissssed by a turtle
23: back in the library for an exciting evening
24: finally organized her crazy jumble of mission pics. a year and a half later...
25: is awkward the new charming? please...?
27: placed a temporary hold on her personal mucinex boycott
28: feels like poop poop poop, and bought tylenol cold so she can resume her boycott
29: (still whining) hates that she can't eat triscuits 'cause her throat still hurts. also, the weird popping in the left ear is getting old...
30: a little more phem and a little less eu

february
1: sliiiiim pickin's
2: has a job again!
3: wants to go camping something fierce
5: wants to go to there
6: doesn't know what to wear to this toga party
7: is making babies in the library...http://www.vw.com/vwhype/babymaker/en/us/
11: is in the library again. unfortunately, no babies are being made
13: hearts the d-land crew
17: wishes you all a happy Life Day
18: is old enough to know, but too young to care
20: is angry at the wii-fit
21: knows a date is successful when you get a free pair of socks
22: would like to thank the academy...for hugh jackman's singing and dancing
24: asks "is this about what happened in the bathroom? 'cause there wasn't enough room to cuddle"
28: is studying...on the beach

march
1: imaginsiff
2: is a riot on an empty street
3: can't rule out buried treasure. fiji, anyone?
4: thinks it should never rain in fiji
5: nobody's gonna rain on my parade
5: wishes she weren't such a procrastinator and could join the giant game of library tag. sigh.
6: can enjoy the weekend now! woot!
7: politics+religion+second date=bad news bears
8: is tired of bears
10: my kingdom for a foot massage!
12: whoa overtimes
13: dear new facebook, i like you even less than the old new facebook. please change. for me. love, lauren
15: laughcoughlaughcoughlaughcoughlaughcough
16: doctors aren't allowed to go on spring break
18: is getting ready to cough all over disneyland
20: i'm FINALLY going to see slumdog! text if'n you wanna come
21: well, that was a freebie
23: is the star of her new favorite song
25: strep, mono, mrs. barlow, fruit plates, o'dea, messy room, the beach, docility, and bears
27: LOVED IT
29: is off to write that hit song, alone in my principles
31: my creepy stalking skills have failed me

april
2: dreams of horses
5: lost at sequence, dumped by bob, spilled my dinner. worst. day. ever.
5: made up with bob, ticked off hannah, ate two cinnamon rolls. best. day. ever.
6: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b39gIMMqr8
9: has sehnsucht, thanks to her skinny, lung-dwelling-fat-kid brother
10: won't be setting any personal records today :-( hahaha
11: hehehe i'm evading taskmaster bianca!!! look at me reveling in my freeeeeedom!!!
12: evaded and reveled too much
12: i am not amused. how am i supposed to change my siblings' profile pics to resemble mine if they all go and get new passwords and conveniently forget to tell me!! y'all have ruined my easter fun
13: 30 days!

i need an intervention.....

Joey and Janice's Day of Fun...s!!!!

So...I'm poor. Poorer than I was when I came into this world. Thus, for Christmas I decided to give the gift of time. I spent an evening each with Mum & Dad, Julie & Jana, and Dan & Grandma, with a twelve dollar spending limit each night. It was, if I say so myself, quite ballin'. Here's a recap of our Joey and Janice's Day of Fun...s!!

Evening the First:
I went with Mum and Dad to the Salt Lake City Library to explore. We spent most of our time in the basement in the children's collection and found some great international kids books, most notably the German favorite "Vom Kleinen Maulwurf, Der Wissen Wollte, Wer Ihm Auf Den Kopf Gemacht Hat" (The Little Mole Who Wanted to Know Who Pooped On His Head). We curled up on a LoveSac and I read/translated. Truly, this was quite the literary moment.

Other highlights include three-tiered fireplaces, being mistaken for a teenager, and shakes at Hires afterwards.

Evening the Second:
I went to Ikea with Jana and helped pick out some stellar window treatments and light fixtures for her condo. We picked up some treats and a movie and went home to lounge about with Julie. We took some pics of us lookin' reeeeaal good. Here's a sample:

We are real good looking. We know.

Evening the Third:
I picked up some Del Taco and met Dan at Grandma's. We ate, watched a basketball game, and pulled out the cards for a killer game of Old Maid.

We're also real good at Slap Jack, Connect Four, and Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Joey and Janice's Day of Fun...s were a hit, if I say so myself. Thanks for playing, kids!

Mosaic

Here's Lauren in photo-mosaic form, a'la Flickr:



1. Shelby. And Lauren. We like the latter., 2. Leda, 3. Untitled, 4. Are You Looking At Me ???, 5. A little fight in you. I like that., 6. ready for limeade, 7. Green velvet, 8. McCormick Pumpkin Pie Spice Tin, 9. Professor_Mom, 10. The Earth is God's Canvas., 11. Enjoy summer (and beer), 12. Lou Reed

If you want to play, here's how:

Type your answer to each of the questions below into a Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose your favorite image, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows). Leave me a comment if you do it, so I can check it out!

The questions:

1. what is your first name? (Lauren)
2. what is your favorite food? (bread)
3. what high school did you attend? (Hillcrest)
4. what is your favorite color? (brown)
5. who is your celebrity crush? (Christian Bale)
6. favorite drink? (limeade)
7. dream vacation? (Switzerland--and the pic is from Montreux!))
8. favorite dessert? (pumpkin pie)
9. what do you want to be when you grow up? (professor-mom)
10. what do you love most in life? (joy)
11. one word to describe you. (fun)
12. your flickr name. (laurielou29--nothing showed up so i searched laurie lou)

Lesson Learned, Tough stuff.

I'm a genius. Things that don't look like they'll fit into slots in your computer probably will not fit into said slots and should not be forced in anyway. Lesson learned. The computer is fine. The brand new 4gb memory stick, however, is not. This means that all the pics on it are...gone. Gone gone gone. Gone are the hopes of new Facebook albums, and illustrated blog posts detailing winter break fun. Gone are the videos of my attempts at hip-hop immortality (this is actually a very shiny silver lining...)
It could be worse. The pictures/videos on now-defunct memory stick are actually very small in number and fall into three categories: 1)Joey and Janice's Day of Fun...s, 2)Roadtrip with the ickle Dannykins back to California, including a pit-stop in St. George to see my favorite sister missionary, and 3)January 19 Beach Trip of Sunshiny Goodness with Hannah and aforementioned ickle Dannykins.
What's that? You can only imagine how spectacular these pictures and their accompanying stories were? You want nothing more than to get a taste of what was lost, no matter how pathetic the attempt to recreate such memories? Fear not, huddled masses. I understand.
Coming soon: Pathetic Attempts at Re(-)creation...

Bare Naked Snobbery and Righteous Indignation

Note: Reading through this, it really is pure, unadulterated snobbery and indignation. Consider yourself warned. I also don't mean this as a personal attack on anyone I know and love...maybe on some I know and don't love, though...jk :-) I write this as a response to a general attitude. I promise. Heartsies :-)


I hate Twilight. I love hating Twilight. Hating Twilight has become a passion of mine. I can't let it die. I read the first three books. I couldn't put them down. I hated myself for that. By the end of the third book, I hated all of the characters (though Rosalie was starting to grow on me, mostly because she was the only one that recognized just how mentally deficient Bella was). I wanted the fourth book to be two pages long: Edward bites Bella. He loses control. Bella dies. Edward, the psychopath that he is, laughs and finds another personality-less teenager to manipulate. That's a whole lot of hate and uncharitable feelings to be coming from one average-sized girl. I refused to read the fourth book, out of principle, but still wanted to know what happens. I looked it up online. I swear I vomited at least three times just reading the synopsis. Really? REALLY?

I could attack Twilight for its writing style. I'm not a very good writer, but I'm convinced I could write better dialogue than Stephenie Meyer. I'll leave that alone for now, though.

Those who defend Twilight say it's just harmless fantasy lit. Escapist fluff. This terrifies me. What are these women escaping to? An abusive (yes, abusive. I'll say it again, ABUSIVE) relationship with a vampire?! Really? REALLY? A vampire who is infinitely stronger, smarter, faster, richer, and more powerful than you? And the only way you'll ever become anything close to his equal is by sacrificing your own life and future to attach yourself to him for eternity? This is what we want?? What a message to be sending to the media, who can't help but fixate on Meyer's Mormonism. To those who would tell me to stop thinking about it so hard, it's just a fun story, I would strike a deal. I'll stop thinking about it so hard as soon as you start thinking about it a little. I know, I'm a snob and a jerk about it. Here is a great article to get you started thinking. :-)

I'm not a fan of censorship or dictating what others should or shouldn't read. But I wish I had sat down and had a frank discussion about this with the teenage girls I used to work with who called Twilight their Bible, instead of just rolling my eyes whenever they started read it for the umpteenth time. I think (/hope/pray) that this is just a fad. Once all the movies have been made and people start coming to their senses, Twilight will die an ignominious death. If however, my teenage daughters one day in the distant future stumble across it (or any other such "escapist" chick-lit) and want to read it, that's fine. I only hope I will have taught them well enough that they'll laugh at all the wrong parts, feel sorry for Bella, and walk away emotionally unharmed. If not, well, we'll have a good long chat.

The Year in Books

I know it's only the beginning of November, but considering the amount of work I've been procrastinating, I'm not going to leave the library until Christmas break. So I might as well procrastinate a little more today and review the books I've read this year that I really dug and have stayed with me through the months.

• Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis: I got it for Christmas last year, and though I'm not usually in to much science fiction, I'm definitely in to C.S. Lewis. It's a little thin on plot, but big on ideas. Basically a British philologist is captured by two bad guys and they take him to Mars to offer him up as sacrifice to the ruling beings there. He escapes when they arrive and travels the planet, studying and making friends with the different life forms there. He learns that all the planets were originally connected, each with their own ruling spirit that could communicate with the spirits over other planets. Earth, however, rebelled and destroyed its ruling spirit, and so they call it the Silent Planet. Because this is Lewis, there are of course billions of religious undertones, and they're the most interesting parts of the book. This is the first in a series of three, and is definitely my favorite. The second, Perelandra, is about the philologist's trip to Venus. Again, it's definitely thin on plot, but the ideas about The Fall are fascinating. That Hideous Strength is set on Earth and is sort of a "Last Days" book. This one is more plot driven, and mostly succeeds in creeping me out a little. Again, some great ideas on spirituality, but weird imagery.



• The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger: I remember hearing about this book in middle school because it was one of the optional books for our group reports, but required parental permission to read. The kids that read it were the rebels :-) I picked it up one day at work to read while watching the showers and immediately fell in love with Holden Caulfield. He was honestly one of the most relatable characters I had read in a long time. I wonder what that says about me...:-) I would much much much rather my teenagers read this book instead of something inane and ridiculous like Twilight. Both have ridiculously flawed main characters who are emotionally unstable, but in Twilight that's apparently a good attribute. I'd take a Holden over a Bella any day. And yes, it really really really really pains me to admit I've read Twilight.
  
  
  
• A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini: I read The Kite Runner last year and loved the imagery, the characters, and the humanity depicted. Then, this summer my Mum recommended Hosseini's second book. I read it in about three hours, then cried for another two. Hosseini's gift is creating characters who are so real, even though they're so foreign to American readers. Dan read it after I did, and one night he, Mum, and I sat on Mum's bed discussing it. All we had to say was "Maryam..." and look at each other and we almost started crying again.

• Life of Pi by Yann Martel: After hearing that I had been accepted to CGU to study religion, a friend at work recommended this book. I loved it all-- Pi's devotion to any religion he can find, his relationship with the Bengal Tiger Richard Parker, the open ending. Yes, it's about a boy trapped on the ocean in a lifeboat with a tiger. Read it anyway. Nay, read it for that reason.



• The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd: Julie sent me this book right after I moved to CA, so I read it one Saturday night before I found a social life and had too much homework. The prose is very lyrical--I had to read some things twice they were so beautifully said. That's a rarity for me :-) The conclusion is fairly obvious, but the images of the female divine make it all worth it. This book is very female-empowered, but not to the point of disempowering men. A profound story of a girl discovering her individual divinity.



• A Mormon Mother by Annie Clark Tanner: I read this book for my "Mormonism Through the Eyes of Women" class and it broke my heart. Annie Tanner tells her own story of becoming a polygamous wife in late 19th century Utah, raising children alone, watching the church disavow polygamy, and coming to terms with a rapidly modernized society. She's my new hero. Most heart-breaking moment: being dropped off at the train station by her new husband and his first wife so she can go home to her mother's house. She can't tell anyone she just got married, and won't see her husband again for a few weeks. She sits at the table eating bread, thinking of all her friends who were lucky enough to be first wives and all the fun things involved in their weddings. Oh Annie.
  


• Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card: I went to an Anberlin show a couple weeks ago in Pomona. I was by myself and had no interest in the three opening bands, so I wandered around the shops in the neighborhood for awhile. I found this in a 2nd-hand book store, had always heard good things about it, had an hour or so to kill, and it was only a couple bucks. I absolutely loved the first two-thirds. Ender's development into a powerful leader is really well written, and the war-games, I must admit, are tons of fun to read about. The last third seemed really rushed to me, and the conclusion therefore was unsatisfying. But overall, like most of Card's stuff that I've read, the characters make it worth it.