Stuff My Boyfriend Says While Watching Jane Austen Movies

Dear six readers,

My boyfriend likes to kill aliens/bad guys/whoever on his video games. He watches movies through my Netflix account and with such gems as Planet 51 and Ninja's Creed and Halo Legends now popping up in my Watch Instantly feed, he's really messing up Netflix's opinion of me and my taste in movies. Clearly, we agree to disagree on many things, and while I have faith in the power of Ms. Austen and her literary masterpieces to transcend gender, space, and time, I figured this would be one of those things.

When I was lying despondently in bed a few weeks ago, drained from a week of marathon thesis writing and starving (why do I lose the ability to buy normal people food when deadlines are coming up...), boyfriend magically appeared with a jr. bacon cheeseburger and a back rub. (That's right...I asked for a cheeseburger and he brought me one with bacon on it. That's like asking for a man and getting an Astronaut Mike Dexter!)

It's true--both he and jr. bacon cheeseburgers are delicious

As if that wasn't sexy enough, he even agreed to watch Sense and Sensibility with me until I fell asleep. Hoping against hope that he'd give it a fair chance and not just stubbornly decide to hate it and stew quietly until he could sneak out, I told him it was okay if it wasn't his thing and if he wanted, we could watch it in installments.

Well, six gentle readers, ten minutes into the movie, and he was captivated. Enraptured. Falling in love with Emma Thompson before my very tired eyes. I didn't allow myself to fall asleep because I was having such fun watching him watch the movie. Within the first five minutes, he soundly pronounced Fanny Dashwood a bitch, and referred to her as such every time she came on screen. (PS the video I linked to there is just about the most ridiculous thing in the world...) He finally came to understand why Emma Thompson is on my "If I Swung That Way" list, and he rejoiced when Edward announced he was not married to "that other bitch", Lucy Steele.

Not boyfriend...though he was almost this moved

Since Sense and Sensibility was such a hit, I thought it might be time to try Pride and Prejudice...you know, the five hour work of genius with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle. As we started it, he warned me he probably wouldn't like it as much as he did S and S...and then he met Mr. Bennet and it was over. He was hooked again.

Boyfriend+Mr. Bennet=Guy Luv

He yelled at the characters. He predicted the ending. He shushed me when I talked and he couldn't hear the dialogue. He invited me over at all hours to watch it some more (we finished it in about three installments). He pined after Jennifer Ehle and decided to watch more Colin Firth movies.

About halfway through, I realized I needed to write down some of the things he was saying. I had texted some of his responses to my sisters, and they were just too good to not record. I hereby present to you a partial list of Stuff My Boyfriend Says While Watching Jane Austen Movies:

To Caroline Bingley: Shut your face, she's so much prettier than your ass!

About Mr. Wickham: Yeah, he's totally lying. Dude, you just told the whole story and then said you'd never tell it! Idiot.

About Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy: I want Colin Firth to end up with her. I think he likes her even though he doesn't want to admit it, and she kind of likes him, too. She calls him on his bull-shit and he likes it. I like that.

About Mary, playing at the ball: She's precious...

To Mrs. Bennet, loudly at ball: (facepalm) She needs to SHUT UP.

About Mr. Collins' proposal: "I'm the best you'll ever do." Is that what you got from that? Self-righteous little bastard.

Rewinding many times to look at Collins' awkward face at end of scene: WHAT WAS THAT?! It kinda reminded of Lord Voldemort! No no, Barty Crouch with his tongue!

Mr. Bennet, siding with Lizzie after Collins' proposal: I love him!! (fist pump)

Mr. Collins: Way to go Mr. Collins, you're a pimp. (eyeroll) Not really.

About Jennifer Ehle: When was this movie made? (me: '94 or '95? Why?) She's goooorgeous. The more I watch, the more I fall in love with her (said quite shyly).

Frustrated about Mr. Wickham: Now she's in love with him. Ugh. It's okay, she'll end up with Darcy...Wait...If she doesn't end up with Mr. Darcy, I'm going to shit all over your car!!!!! (ten points to whichever family member gets that reference)

About his hero Mr. Bennet: Oh I love him! I just...I can't even put it into words!!

I don't remember the exact context: Nice house, crappy door

About Elizabeth: I like how she just walks around everywhere...she's got strong legs.

To Elizabeth: Go to London! You'll see Mr. Darcy! (hip thrust)

About Mr. Wickham: I can't stop staring at his penis flap....DON'T WRITE THAT!

Later: Just cause I can't stop staring at another's man crotch, you don't have to tell the whole world about it. (after I just laughed but didn't start typing) OH and THAT doesn't get written down....I thought that was the funnier one...I'm done with you!

About, who else, Mr. Bennet: I honestly wish I could be like him.

Mr. Collins' tour of his house: Whoa whoa wait, the most prominent feature of your house is the angle of your staircase??!! "Oh isn't this the most elegant staircase you've ever seen? Oh, I agree with the depth very kindly." Seriously, what's wrong with him?? I want to know. If they don't explain by the end of the movie, we all know what's going to happen to somebody's car...homeboy is killing me. (PS I love that line so much..."I agree with the depth very kindly..." What does that mean, boyfriend??)

About Lady Catherine's entrance: It's Lady Rosenbottom! Who cares...

Collins reassuring Lizzie about her dress on their visit to Rosings: ...that's like giving you a backhanded compliment while backhanding you twice in the face!! Idiot...

Lady Catherine: self-righteous bitch...

To Mr. Darcy, visiting awkwardly then leaving abruptly: Why can't you just talk to her, you know you want to! I feel like I'm giving Nick Long advice through the TV. (Sorry, Nick)

About Mr. Darcy: His penis flap isn't as noticeable as the other guy's! Eh, or maybe it just looks better.

Again, Mr. Darcy's awkward visit: No! No, dumbass, keep going!! It was an awkward start, but at least you started!

Pontificating: If I had lived back then, I would have been a pimp. I would have gotten all the ladies, but I wouldn't have gotten married. Cause they would have found out that I'm a dumbass. Am I giving you some good material there?

Mr. Collins: I don't know why he doesn't just marry Lady Catherine...he's already trying to get into her pants as it is.

To Mr. Darcy, who has come to propose but can't get any words out: Come on....you can get over your stutter...

Darcy starts strong and confesses his love...then blows it: You are a pimp! (fistpump)...Ah you dick, why would you say that!?

After Darcy leaves: That was only slightly better than Mr. Collins's proposal...

To Elizabeth's scalding refusal: Well done.

We can learn many things from this.

#1: Jane Austen has all the knowledge when it comes to characters. Boyfriend had about half the characters of P and P labeled as different friends/acquaintances. Who hasn't met at a Mary or a Mr. Collins or a Lydia before?

#2: My boyfriend cusses while playing video games and apparently watching Jane Austen movies. See, the two aren't so incompatible after all!

#3: Colin Firth is a god, and everyone knows it.

True fact: Google "Colin Firth is a god" and this is the first image. Told you.