Crafty Crafty ME! (Or: Lauren blogging about things you don't want to read about)

Guys, guess what. This is my second post THIS WEEK. I am boss of internetting. Plus, I'm going to talk about CRAFTS!!!! I am unstoppable in my Mormon girl blogging skills.

Here's the story:

A few months ago I bought an item. Since my brother makes up one-fifth of my regular readership, I'll refrain from going into details about this item (though I was going to write a post about my friends "Pammie" "Tammie" and "Cammie" and my introduction to them at different ages...) but I will say that it's awesome. Not for the faint of heart, but awesome (and you're welcome, Julie, for changing my phrasing there). There's just one thing I HATE about this item--it came with the most embarrassing little bag to carry it around in.

Really? I didn't even ever carry a purse regularly until I was 23, and they want me to haul this little sparkly purple monstrosity around with me wherever I go? Yes, my then nine year old cousin might have called me a diva, but...really? Need my personal hygiene item proclaim that to the world? My soul is dying. There needed to be a better way.

So, in the middle of a recent Buffy/Angel binge, I sat down with some newfangled supplies I had just bought at WalMart at midnight and tried to remember anything from my eighth grade sewing class that didn't have to do with that one time that little hussy Linda grabbed me by my bangs and slapped me. (Lesson learned--bangs are bad.) Something must have stuck, because I think it turned out amazing.

So much better. Plus, Cammie's happy to have a new home away from home.

Too much?

In Which I Prove I Am Not A Procrastinator

Y'all, I'm not very good at this whole time thing. Surprise. Oh this paper was due yesterday/last year? My bad. Church doesn't start at 1:15? Weird! Being late to work every single day isn't a good idea? Why didn't someone say something!

BUT. I'm about to prove all you naysayers wrong, for yesterday while waiting for World of Color at DCA to start I planned for three deadlines--seven weeks from now, five months from now, and a year from now. That's right, I've started planning for something that is over a year from now! I officially win the internet! Right? It gets even better--these plans are AWEsome.

1-August 24: release of Mockingjay. We have yet to find a bookstore near us that's doing a midnight release party (let's start a petition! a revolt! a sit in!) so we're going to dress up, get there first thing when they open, and then have Hannah's read-a-thon themed birthday party. I was going to find a tunic of some kind and wear that with my brown leggings and awesome brown boots, but then I found this post and really like the pants/shirt/jacket look. But I'm keeping my boots. I lurve them.2-November 19: Harry Potter Seven part 1!! There aren't very many things better than dressing up for Harry Potter events. (Point of fact, I just realized this is my second Harry Potter post in a row...and I don't even care. I post so seldom, be grateful for what you get!) Last year's excursion to see Half-Blood Prince was probably the third greatest night of last summer (don't get me started on nights one and two...STEAMROLLER!) Here's photographic evidence:

Amazing, right? How could we possibly top this? We have Bellatrix, Voldemort, Pansy Parkinson, a random Gryffindor, Tonks, Rita Skeeter, Moaning Myrtle, Luna, and Prof. Trelawney! Fear not, dear readers, you won't be let down. Right now the plan is to dress up as members of Bill/Fleur's wedding party and various guests. Dress robes! Wedding dresses! Secret signs! Maybe even a lynx! I've already called that I get to be Fleur (no battle) so the hunt is on for a tall hot man who won't mind us drawing scars on his face.

3-July 15 2010: Harry Potter Seven part 2! The theme of this release party is going to be Epic Final Battles. Hannah and I are definitely doing Mrs. Weasley vs. Bellatrix, but we can't decide who should be who. Vote in the comments! Also, we have a killer idea for Neville vs. Nagini. Let's just say we're going to be visiting a lot of carnival games to try to win a wrap-around plush snake...

Seriously, guys, I've impressed myself here. We made all these plans LAST NIGHT and I blogged about them TODAY. It's like I'm growing up before your very eyes.

I think this means I'm doing something right. Or wrong. I get the two confused.

So I was texting the lovely Liz earlier today when I gleefully realized that within the month that I've had this phone, I'd already texted the word Voldemort at least once so it's saved in my predictive text.

True story, last night I had my second Harry Potter dream in six months. As in, I have now twice dreamed that I was Harry Potter. Last night the aforementioned Liz was my loyal sidekick. When I realized that I was indeed Harry Potter, I immediately started looking for the golden snitch that would have the resurrection stone in it. Liz handed it to me, saying something like, "Oh yeah, this is the part of the story when we find this, huh?" I tried to put it away in my pocket so I could save it for the end...or the "close" (I'm killing myself with my nerdiness right now) but it was made of this really cheap plastic and the clasp kept opening. This was very frustrating because I wasn't ready to fight Voldemort yet and it was ruining the storyline. I think I might have tried to eat it. Huh. But then apparently it was time to fight, because I went in to some cheap restaurant building, and there you-know-who was. Except, well, he looked like a cross between Kenneth Branagh and my friend Andrew.

My paint skills are incredible, I know.

So everything was pretty fuzzy after that, mostly because I think I was really confused at having to kill a Voldemort who looked like that. Who could resist that face?

And in case you were wondering just how nerdy I get, here's a little gem I made after my first "Hi I'm Harry Potter" dream:

I'm especially proud of my scar. And my glasses.

Wow. Thanks for being my friends, guys. Sometimes it can get lonely on the special bus.

Two "Real" Men and a Sex Doll

I don't go a week without my Modern Family fix. I honestly have spent time pondering how I could somehow squeeze my way into Mitchell and Cam's relationship. I adore them. I even love Jay, who I always refer to as "the Al Bundy guy." But I have mixed feelings about Phil. He's an idiot. A lovable, well-intentioned idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. His wife Claire has to constantly fix the messes he gets himself and their kids in. He does have his redeeming qualities, but unfortunately his idiocy plays in to a widely-held media notion that men (specifically husbands) are clueless oafs who mean well, but really can't do anything right when it comes to their home and family. Case in point: In the pilot, Phil gets his son an air soft gun on the condition that if he shoots anyone with it (even accidentally), he'll shoot him as punishment. This made for some great comedy, but really? Later, Phil jumps the gun and punishes the kids by cancelling Christmas on Christmas Eve morning. Phil's blunders are always made up for by his wife's intervention or his own good-nature, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a husband and father who is stumbling around in the dark, a figure of pity, and a creator of cringe-worthy moments.

I would write this off as just one funny, idiotic, lovable character, but how many times have we seen this character repeated in films and television? Raymond? Tim Taylor? Even advertisers are playing on this theme. Sarah Haskins, brilliant lampooner of female-centered marketing, created this amazing montage celebrating the doofy husbands we love to pat on the head and say, "Oh isn't that cute...he sure tried!"

This leads me to the title of the post (isn't it great?) and one of my favorite movies. Lars and the Real Girl is about a lonely man in his twenties who falls in love with a life-size anatomically correct doll he bought online. And I love it. Lars has a mental illness and the respect and love his family and friends give him while he works through his issues is nothing but exemplary. Every time I watch I'm struck by a different character and her or his importance in helping Lars heal. Recently that character has been Gus, Lars' older brother. Gus and his wife live in the old family house while Lars (of his own choosing) lives in the garage. Even though it's been a few months since I saw it last, I still can't get over the brilliance of this particular scene. (sorry it's such a huge clip, the actual scene starts at 3:13 and ends at 6:24)

Lars comes to Gus and asks him how he knows if he's become a man yet. Gus usually doesn't have much to say, and has the hardest time of everyone accepting Lars' delusion. You can tell he's uncomfortable with the conversation, and he starts off shaky, but eventually he opens up. In his own straightforward terms, he talks to Lars like an equal. In the end he admits some of his own possible guilt in contributing to Lars' problems and apologizes, taking his own advice and acting "like a man." For the conversation alone the scene is great, but add to that the context. What is Gus doing as he explains to his little brother what it means to be a man--he's chopping vegetables for dinner. Then the buzzer sounds so they move down to the basement where he starts folding towels fresh from the dryer. "Macho", "manly", hesitant-to-talk-about-feelings Gus, amazingly, is capable of helping around the house and willingly does so. He also says the right words to help Lars start overcoming his demons and risk real relationships. Gus takes all of the good intentions embodied by characters like Phil and puts them into action.

I dislike the idea of there being "real men"--as in "real men don't eat quiche", the first suggestion google gave me--and "other kinds of men". But if I bought into that idea, I'd say something like, "Real men fold towels and empathize with people who are struggling."

I should put that on a t-shirt.

Adventures in Celibacy

I seldom watch videos that people post on their blogs, especially if they're over a minute long. That's mostly because I'm a snob and rarely trust other people's tastes. You pretty much need to guarantee that the video will either 1-make me snort-laugh; 2- make me feel much smarter than everyone else around me; 3- wow me into silence; or 4- cause me to swoon, drool, and basically lose my shit.

This video is the epitome of option 4. I have yet to see a better screen kiss. Were I feeling super nerdy (don't worry, I got most of my nerd out already by playing online Settlers of Catan), I'd elaborate ad nauseam as to why this is the best. kiss. ever and how my expectations are now so unrealistically high I'll never be satisfied and spend the rest of my life bitter and unfulfilled.

Oh crap. This is Mormon girl p*rn.

And I just can't stop.

Shirts and Skins

Best compliment I've ever received:

"You are beautiful and nice also non naked."

Basically, Spain finds me attractive and kind whether I have clothes on or not.